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What are considered normal healthy relationships are in fact often far from normal and healthy. Looking in from the outside we can see two people living together under the same roof completely codependent rather than independent. Looking deeper we can see most relationships are comprised of two emotionally dependent and insecure adults whose functions are to anticipate the needs and wants of their partner – directly or indirectly trying to control the other person, while feeling guilty, resentful and anxious in the process.
The reality of most relationships is that the two people feel less free, insecure, fear intimacy and being separated from one another. They are afraid to be close, yet afraid to be alone. Afraid of being hurt, of being controlled, and of being judged. Yet they hide it all and live in denial about all of it.
When You and I Become We
We grow up reading love stories and watching movies about falling in love, with marriage being the heppy ending. Most people are in love when they get married. During the courting process, the two people become physically attracted, constantly think of their new “love” and begin to think of themselves as a couple. They want to spend all of their available time together at the expense of most of their friends and outside interests and activities. In this process they put their “self” and self-esteem on the shelf and become a “we.”
It is unfortunate that Shakespeare didn’t write about the “we.” A new relationship creates this third entity: the “we.” But usually at the expense of “me” and “you.” After the wedding and celebration, the new couple unwraps their gifts and there it is, all bright and shiny – the blender. Over the next weeks and months the “me” and the “you” are blended, pulverized, pulsed and pureed into the new “we,” making the old “you” and “me” unrecognizable, even to their old friends.
Codependency begins to to develop when one or both of our new-ly-weds think of the newly formed “we” as “one.” At this juncture the differences and separateness of the two are virtually ignored, causing unconscious resentment, lack of respect, and attempts of one to control the other.
Confusion, Anxiety, Fear
Codependents want oneness while people in healthy relationshps want closeness. Happy couples are realistic. They know that no relationship is perfect. There will be disagreements. They will listen to each other and work our their differences. They accept each other and communicate well because they value each other’s happiness and understand the importance of seeking compromise.
Codependents live with continual highs and lows, anxiety, break-ups, fear, crazy wild sex, make-ups and a new cycle of resentment, lack of respect and more controlling. They confuse their anxiety for genuine excitement but it is really the fear of not feeling safe and secure.
Maintaining Individuality Leads to Happiness
Happy couples rarely put their “self” on the shelf. They don’t lose their self-esteem. Couples with a strong sense of individuality and their own identities have more successful relationships. Good self-esteem allows happy couples to communicate openly without feeling guilty or ashamed of revealing themselves. They won’t be as sensitive to criticisms or threatened by closeness. Couples with good self-esteem know it’s OK to have separate interests that make them happy without fear, yet able to share these experiences with their partner.
Strong self-esteem, independent thinking and a common vision can go a long way when the couple builds a business together. It can focus their combined energy and commitment to something greater than themselves. Think of the excitement and fun that can be generated and shared when you are both on the same team.
This report is not a diagnosis. We hope this information can guide you toward improving your life.
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