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Unfortunately many adults go through life blocking out memories of their childhood. These memories are so horrible that recalling just a small fraction could dislodge the lid holding down a volcano of anger. It is heartbreaking how many people suffer a damaged sense of self-worth because a drunk parent took out their frustrations by beating their child every Friday night. Criticized them repeatedly, or made cruel jokes about some physical feature such as calling a child “Dumbo” for his large ears. Calling a daughter stupid or ugly, or that they wished you had never never born. Hurry and grow up so you can leave. Overwhelming a young child with guilt, or forcing an unreasonable amount of responsibility upon them. Neglecting or leaving a child alone too much, or the opposite – over-sheltering so the child grows up afraid of being away from their mother. And worst of all, growing up in a household of secret sexual abuse. It is remarkable how much cruelty is directed at children.
How many people struggle life-long with damaged self-confidence and low self-esteem that cause self-destructive behavior and anger issues? Unhealthy childhoods have damaged many adult relationships and careers, and hide feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, and being unloved.
Control Continues Long Into Adulthood
Many of these adults are still under the influence of their parents, and have difficult relationships with them. A sad fact is that some people continue to be controlled by their parents long after death. They aren’t haunted by ghosts, but the psychological scars of abuse, guilt trips and low self-esteem remain strongly present.
If you are influenced and manipulated by living parents there is hope. Not the hope that somehow magically, your parents will wake up and be the warm, loving and caring parents you always deserved. The hope is that you can release yourself from their destructive hold over you.
Trying to justify the actions of your abusive parent or parents serves only to make the unacceptable acceptable. Blaming yourself for being a bad kid is an easy way of protecting the parent rather than facing the truth that Daddy was an abuser, and Mother looked the other way. Neither can ever be trusted. You were a child and nothing you did or could have done was deserving of a lifetime of rage, resentment, anxiety, shame, lost dignity and low self-esteem.
To Forgive or Not to Forgive
You’re probably wondering right about now… at what point do we suggest that you forgive your parents. You will read pages in our Knowledge Base that explain forgiveness and resentment and that for all practical purposes forgiveness is the antidote for harboring years of resentment. That forgiveness is the first step toward healing. In most circumstancers, forgiveness does one of two things. It removes the desire for revenge, and it relieves the guilty party of responsibililty for their actions.
While you may have had getting-even fantasies when you were young, those feelings have probably mostly vanished. With some other non-family circumstance your feelings of revenge may somehow seem warranted and forgiveness might be appropriate. However absolving your parents of brutal mistreatmernt, neglect or rape, serves no purpose other than to once again protect them and hinder your efforts to heal and move on with your life. If you forgive them, you can pretend the terrible ordeal really wasn’t so terrible. But someone has to be responsible and it’s NOT YOU. You could forgive your parent or parents and then discover that the depression hasn’t gone away, and now you hate yourself for making a bad situation even worse.
Who Takes the Initiative?
Before you can forgive your parents or parent, shouldn’t forgiveness come AFTER they or he takes the initiative? First and foremost, you have to get in touch with your anger and repressed rage. You have to let it out. Preferably in their presence. This could be quite traumatic, and it wouldn’t be too difficult to find excuses to avoid the whole thing. Again.
If the thought of confrontation is just too overwhelming, you may have to postpone the inevitable. Or you may have to set a date and live with it. In the meantime rehearse what you plan on saying. If you no longer live near your parents or you have severed ties, perhaps a well written letter is an option. Alternatively, you could consider having a joint visit at a therapist’s office.
The anger that you must release may be especially difficult and challenging if you grew up in a household not being allowed to express your feelings. Especially anger, which could have provoked an even bigger punishment. Facing an abusive parent even many years later could again stifle your feelings.
The Road to Peace
What often happens is that emotional and mental peace comes as a result of releasing the built up anger. That peace can only come after you put the responsibility squarely where it belongs. You might never feel you can forgive, but at least you will finally achieve peace.
Anger is an extremely upsetting emotion. Your anger is a result of your childhood abuse. But now you may worry that your anger could make you appear ugly and will cause rejection by your parents and others, or that you have no right to be angry anymore.
Repressed anger causes depression. It can also cause irritability or anger around other people for no good reason except they just happen to be there.
You have every right to be angry, but there are ways of managing it so as not to inflict it upon the innocent perople around you. First, give yourself permission to be angry at your abuser. When you feel a wave of intense rage come over you, pound a pillow in the privacy of your bedroom. Or have imaginary dialogues with them while you are alone or driving.
Another great stress and anger management activity is exercise. Jogging, dancing, swimming and bike riding, or any physical activity increases the production of endorphins, a brain chemical that improves your sense of well-being. You will find an increase in your energy level as well. Repressed anger is very draining.
Use your anger as a source of energy. And tell yourself while you are jogging uphlll that you are angry and you’re going to do something about it soon!
This report is not a diagnosis. We hope this information can guide you into improving your life.
Review our Knowledge Base or the links displayed on this page for similar and related topics.